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Getting old is just the pits. Not for sissies, as Bette Davis said. I want to share a personal experience with you, more as a cautionary tale, rather than as a soapbox rant.
I’ve been out of town and away from my computer for a few days, tending to the needs of my 86 year old mother in law. Six days ago she had knee replacement surgery, and because of her age and special needs, she was sent to a convalescent hospital to recover. Even though my 86 year old father in law requested that she be placed in a facility near their home, she was put in a place quite far away and inconveniently located from him, making getting to her side every day quite an ordeal for him. Believe me, when I say he has his share of his own health issues, I am not exaggerating. He can still drive, and gets around pretty well with his cane, but (among other things) has developed a speech problem, in which he cannot easily get the words he wants to say out.
So, why was my intervention needed? Because, sad to say, in many cases, older adults are not treated kindly, with dignity, with respect and with compassion. I started writing this post yesterday, bemoaning the treatment my mother in law experienced, and twice, in my passionate typing, I hit a button that deleted everything I had typed.
I think that may have been a hint from Above, that I didn’t need to share the specifics. Okie dokie, so what I will do is tell you how things are different now that we got her transferred to a better place. She now gets her pain medication on schedule, people introduce themselves to her when they enter her room to do a procedure, she is handled gently, people use her name when they speak to her, her physical therapy takes place consistently, her simple requests (for water or a change of position) are attended to promptly, and people talk to her as if she were a real person who has feelings and can look into the future. In just a few hours of being transferred to a different facility, things changed totally. I cannot imagine how dreadful it would be to be elderly, ill and confused, and be stuck in the first place she was taken too. Her room mate in the unacceptable place had been there nine months. Think about it.
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My mother in law is the sweetest, most precious lady, never asking for much and always putting herself and her needs last. She has lived 86 years and has seen a lot, and she deserves to be handled like the fragile, lovely person she is. I want her care givers to treat her with love and respect. That is why I intervened.
Thanks for listening.
82 responses to “The Squeaky Wheel Gets the Grease”
Good for you Mom!! I’m very proud of you.
Good for you Mom!! I’m very proud of you.
I’m so glad you found a good place for this fine-looking lady to convalesce. I’ll keep her in my prayers.
I’m so glad you found a good place for this fine-looking lady to convalesce. I’ll keep her in my prayers.
I’m so glad you found a good place for this fine-looking lady to convalesce. I’ll keep her in my prayers.
I’m so glad you found a good place for this fine-looking lady to convalesce. I’ll keep her in my prayers.
Both of my parents were in nursing homes and we had to fight to get them transferred to a different location. But once we did the difference in their demeanor was dramatic. Just a few little things can make such a big difference.
And having had my left knee replaced a couple of years ago I know what your MIL is going through. It’s not for the faint of heart and will be hard work for her but boy, does it feel better after. I don’t miss my old knee one bit. My daughter calls me the Bionic Woman now so just start calling her that.
Both of my parents were in nursing homes and we had to fight to get them transferred to a different location. But once we did the difference in their demeanor was dramatic. Just a few little things can make such a big difference.
And having had my left knee replaced a couple of years ago I know what your MIL is going through. It’s not for the faint of heart and will be hard work for her but boy, does it feel better after. I don’t miss my old knee one bit. My daughter calls me the Bionic Woman now so just start calling her that.
Nichole, I am so glad to hear that you finally have her in a good place. The same thing happened to me with my mom last year after she fell and broke her back. After I raised the roof and I mean the roof, things really change in the positive for my mom. My mom would say to me, I think they are afraid of you now. If that is what it takes, so be it.
Nichole, I am so glad to hear that you finally have her in a good place. The same thing happened to me with my mom last year after she fell and broke her back. After I raised the roof and I mean the roof, things really change in the positive for my mom. My mom would say to me, I think they are afraid of you now. If that is what it takes, so be it.
Nicole, It is not until we have these experiences that we realize that we “are” the grown ups! We advocate for our kids as they grow up…getting the best teachers, health care, etc. and then we get to do the same for our parents. It is such an awakening to find yourself in this place. I was terrified the first time someone said to me that I needed to be the voice for my Mother. Now I am in that situation for my Dad. He doesn’t articulate his symptoms, feelings, etc. all that well. He does however know how to show anger. That doesn’t help him with getting the care he needs. So, I have been trying to be patient and loving and some days I actually am! Hugs to you, Pam
Nicole, It is not until we have these experiences that we realize that we “are” the grown ups! We advocate for our kids as they grow up…getting the best teachers, health care, etc. and then we get to do the same for our parents. It is such an awakening to find yourself in this place. I was terrified the first time someone said to me that I needed to be the voice for my Mother. Now I am in that situation for my Dad. He doesn’t articulate his symptoms, feelings, etc. all that well. He does however know how to show anger. That doesn’t help him with getting the care he needs. So, I have been trying to be patient and loving and some days I actually am! Hugs to you, Pam
I’ve known from the day I met you that you are a special person. This says it eloquently……….
I’ve known from the day I met you that you are a special person. This says it eloquently……….
I am glad you could have her moved to a nicer place, but what do are describing, is the kind of treatment any person should be able to get in there time of need.
I am glad you could have her moved to a nicer place, but what do are describing, is the kind of treatment any person should be able to get in there time of need.
I definately know what you’re talking about. Its heartbreaking really. Glad your Mother-in-law is in a better spot now.
I definately know what you’re talking about. Its heartbreaking really. Glad your Mother-in-law is in a better spot now.
God bless you.
n, np
God bless you.
n, np
The state of health care for the elderly in this country is just pathetic. Very sad that these people have lived there lives, given of themselves and then they are treated poorly…not fair. God bless you for being there and being able to take over and be her advocate.
The state of health care for the elderly in this country is just pathetic. Very sad that these people have lived there lives, given of themselves and then they are treated poorly…not fair. God bless you for being there and being able to take over and be her advocate.
So glad you found the right place. My late, and darling, FIL Jim was in a nursing facility and it was one of the better ones around. At the time I hoped that what we saw when we were there was reality. He never complained, but then that was his nature. I can’t think of a lot that’s scarier than being in a place where you are treated in a harsh manner. It’s such a delicate time of life and should be a sweet and peaceful one. Your MIL looks happy-that’s a good sign. It always makes me sad to think of a couple spending a life together and then having to be apart at a time when they need the comfort of each other so much. You’re a good daughter-in-law Nicole. It’s a gift to them.
So glad you found the right place. My late, and darling, FIL Jim was in a nursing facility and it was one of the better ones around. At the time I hoped that what we saw when we were there was reality. He never complained, but then that was his nature. I can’t think of a lot that’s scarier than being in a place where you are treated in a harsh manner. It’s such a delicate time of life and should be a sweet and peaceful one. Your MIL looks happy-that’s a good sign. It always makes me sad to think of a couple spending a life together and then having to be apart at a time when they need the comfort of each other so much. You’re a good daughter-in-law Nicole. It’s a gift to them.
I’m so glad you got your mother-in-law into a good place. I’m a chaplain in nursing homes and I can tell you some stories you’d wish weren’t true. Yes, our dear older folks deserve more respect and kind, gentle treatment than anyone. They need to be served as if they were our own dear mother or father. I love the view from her window. That, alone, would make my day! ~Adrienne~
I’m so glad you got your mother-in-law into a good place. I’m a chaplain in nursing homes and I can tell you some stories you’d wish weren’t true. Yes, our dear older folks deserve more respect and kind, gentle treatment than anyone. They need to be served as if they were our own dear mother or father. I love the view from her window. That, alone, would make my day! ~Adrienne~
Your in-laws are lucky to have someone like you to advocate for them. It seems like the deck is stacked against the elderly when it comes to getting proper and respectful care for them.
Your in-laws are lucky to have someone like you to advocate for them. It seems like the deck is stacked against the elderly when it comes to getting proper and respectful care for them.
I’m a f/t caretaker for my Mom, but I know eventually she’ll have to go into a nursinghome when Dementia makes Mom unable to walk. I will be *very carefully* looking around for a good nuringhome in my area. A nursinghome inspector I once had jury duty with said that she’d NEVER put her elderly relative in one, because of what she’s discovered. Mom takes alot of my time/energy, but I know it’s worth it for Mom to have a quality life, even tho she doesn’t know me anymore.
I’m a f/t caretaker for my Mom, but I know eventually she’ll have to go into a nursinghome when Dementia makes Mom unable to walk. I will be *very carefully* looking around for a good nuringhome in my area. A nursinghome inspector I once had jury duty with said that she’d NEVER put her elderly relative in one, because of what she’s discovered. Mom takes alot of my time/energy, but I know it’s worth it for Mom to have a quality life, even tho she doesn’t know me anymore.
Im glad your mum in law is settled now she looks like a lovely Lady. Just like you Nicole.
Im glad your mum in law is settled now she looks like a lovely Lady. Just like you Nicole.
This is for everyone who reads Nicoles blog Just to let you all know what a wonderfull woman she isI received a parcel in the mail this week It was a quilt made by Nicole as a wedding giftI can tell you I had tears in my eyes when I saw it we have never met wejust talk on her blog and I live in Australia. I will treasure this Quilt always. Thanks Nicole you are an Angel.
Hugs Mary
This is for everyone who reads Nicoles blog Just to let you all know what a wonderfull woman she isI received a parcel in the mail this week It was a quilt made by Nicole as a wedding giftI can tell you I had tears in my eyes when I saw it we have never met wejust talk on her blog and I live in Australia. I will treasure this Quilt always. Thanks Nicole you are an Angel.
Hugs Mary
You were probably so mad when you were writing the first 2 posts that you did have some intervention. It is a travesty what the older generation have to look forward to if they are put in a nursing home and there is no advocate to speak for them. I hope I never have to put my mother in one. I remember not too long ago when they were visiting you how precious the two of them were. Glad you intervened.
You were probably so mad when you were writing the first 2 posts that you did have some intervention. It is a travesty what the older generation have to look forward to if they are put in a nursing home and there is no advocate to speak for them. I hope I never have to put my mother in one. I remember not too long ago when they were visiting you how precious the two of them were. Glad you intervened.
Bless you for doing the right thing! Bravo.
Bless you for doing the right thing! Bravo.
You have done well and your parents, I’m sure, really appreciate your love and concern. The elderly certainly need to be protected from uncaring, irresponsible ‘service’ providers. Thanks for the reminder that we have to be aware of what is happening and intervene.
You have done well and your parents, I’m sure, really appreciate your love and concern. The elderly certainly need to be protected from uncaring, irresponsible ‘service’ providers. Thanks for the reminder that we have to be aware of what is happening and intervene.
I’m so glad that your sweet MIL is in a place of caring, everyone deserve that. As my Mom would say “you took the bull by the horns” and made things right.
Hugs – Karen
I’m so glad that your sweet MIL is in a place of caring, everyone deserve that. As my Mom would say “you took the bull by the horns” and made things right.
Hugs – Karen
Hello,
I was very moved by your note in regards to your mother in law.I recently lost my mother (86)Dec16/07, she had terminal cancer,I saw first hand how they treat the elderly,when she was diagnosed she asked me to do all the talking with the health care people,she just didn’t have the energy,so I slowly became my mother’s voice, then just as slowly she became my child and I became her parent,I watched over her night and day to make sure she got the care she deserved and needed, I had to fight for every morphine shot etc..I asked one nurse to picture her own mother there in that bed,would you prefer to see her squirming in tortured pain or would you give her morphine to keep her comfortable? I was my mother’s voice till the very end.I miss her with a passion.Hug your Mom and tell her you love her,and if need be become her voice.
Hello,
I was very moved by your note in regards to your mother in law.I recently lost my mother (86)Dec16/07, she had terminal cancer,I saw first hand how they treat the elderly,when she was diagnosed she asked me to do all the talking with the health care people,she just didn’t have the energy,so I slowly became my mother’s voice, then just as slowly she became my child and I became her parent,I watched over her night and day to make sure she got the care she deserved and needed, I had to fight for every morphine shot etc..I asked one nurse to picture her own mother there in that bed,would you prefer to see her squirming in tortured pain or would you give her morphine to keep her comfortable? I was my mother’s voice till the very end.I miss her with a passion.Hug your Mom and tell her you love her,and if need be become her voice.
Hello,
I was very moved by your note in regards to your mother in law.I recently lost my mother (86)Dec16/07, she had terminal cancer,I saw first hand how they treat the elderly,when she was diagnosed she asked me to do all the talking with the health care people,she just didn’t have the energy,so I slowly became my mother’s voice, then just as slowly she became my child and I became her parent,I watched over her night and day to make sure she got the care she deserved and needed, I had to fight for every morphine shot etc..I asked one nurse to picture her own mother there in that bed,would you prefer to see her squirming in tortured pain or would you give her morphine to keep her comfortable? I was my mother’s voice till the very end.I miss her with a passion.Hug your Mom and tell her you love her,and if need be become her voice.
Hello,
I was very moved by your note in regards to your mother in law.I recently lost my mother (86)Dec16/07, she had terminal cancer,I saw first hand how they treat the elderly,when she was diagnosed she asked me to do all the talking with the health care people,she just didn’t have the energy,so I slowly became my mother’s voice, then just as slowly she became my child and I became her parent,I watched over her night and day to make sure she got the care she deserved and needed, I had to fight for every morphine shot etc..I asked one nurse to picture her own mother there in that bed,would you prefer to see her squirming in tortured pain or would you give her morphine to keep her comfortable? I was my mother’s voice till the very end.I miss her with a passion.Hug your Mom and tell her you love her,and if need be become her voice.
Nicole,
She and your family are so fortunate to have you. A lot of people don’t know how to fight for what’s right; they just accept things. As Diane said, sometimes you have to be a voice for someone else, whether it be the elderly in your life, or little children. I have been both. I have had to throw a few huge fits, but things changed immediately. It’s not my nature to be that way, and I know it isn’t yours either, but at least we know how to fight for the rights of those we love. I’ll keep you and your family in my prayers. I hope she gets well, soon, and gets to come back home.
Nicole,
She and your family are so fortunate to have you. A lot of people don’t know how to fight for what’s right; they just accept things. As Diane said, sometimes you have to be a voice for someone else, whether it be the elderly in your life, or little children. I have been both. I have had to throw a few huge fits, but things changed immediately. It’s not my nature to be that way, and I know it isn’t yours either, but at least we know how to fight for the rights of those we love. I’ll keep you and your family in my prayers. I hope she gets well, soon, and gets to come back home.
My mom was 89 when she passed away in 2005 (Alzheimer’s). My sister was the local caregiver while I was the secondary, from several states away. Fortunately there was NEVER anything other than absolute agreement between us that we wanted Mom somewhere SAFE, where she was treated well, and her needs were met as soon as or even before they became a problem.
Bless you for intervening ~ and may each of us have someone who cares enough to intervene on our behalf when the time comes!
My mom was 89 when she passed away in 2005 (Alzheimer’s). My sister was the local caregiver while I was the secondary, from several states away. Fortunately there was NEVER anything other than absolute agreement between us that we wanted Mom somewhere SAFE, where she was treated well, and her needs were met as soon as or even before they became a problem.
Bless you for intervening ~ and may each of us have someone who cares enough to intervene on our behalf when the time comes!
You are a good daughter in law and she looks very happy in her new place! Thank you for sharing this!
You are a good daughter in law and she looks very happy in her new place! Thank you for sharing this!
And, she is very lucky to have you for family. I wish her a speedy recovery so she can get back to her home and hearth soon.
xoxo
And, she is very lucky to have you for family. I wish her a speedy recovery so she can get back to her home and hearth soon.
xoxo
Congratulations on your good work. It is a world wide problem and I had lots of fights to get adequate care for my Mum who thankfully went to her heavenly home late in ’03. She was almost 90 and things were reasonable, apart from meals in the end, but there were times when I just had to be there to ensure that proper care took place. I found that taking things like crazy quilting to do fascinated the staff and got them on side. Somehow what I did, made Mum more human for them. She had all her faculties and was instrumental in getting things better. But I think our presence is so essential.
Congratulations on your good work. It is a world wide problem and I had lots of fights to get adequate care for my Mum who thankfully went to her heavenly home late in ’03. She was almost 90 and things were reasonable, apart from meals in the end, but there were times when I just had to be there to ensure that proper care took place. I found that taking things like crazy quilting to do fascinated the staff and got them on side. Somehow what I did, made Mum more human for them. She had all her faculties and was instrumental in getting things better. But I think our presence is so essential.
So glad you have found a nice place for a wonderful woman!
So glad you have found a nice place for a wonderful woman!
Hello, This is my first time at your blog. I just loved your post today. If only more people would speak up (out) for the elderly. Thank you for sharing your story.
Hello, This is my first time at your blog. I just loved your post today. If only more people would speak up (out) for the elderly. Thank you for sharing your story.
Hello, This is my first time at your blog. I just loved your post today. If only more people would speak up (out) for the elderly. Thank you for sharing your story.
Hello, This is my first time at your blog. I just loved your post today. If only more people would speak up (out) for the elderly. Thank you for sharing your story.
We had my mother in a nursing home for 1 day before taking her out. My sister and I took care of her at home for 6 years before she died. Nursing homes are horrible.
We had my mother in a nursing home for 1 day before taking her out. My sister and I took care of her at home for 6 years before she died. Nursing homes are horrible.
We had my mother in a nursing home for 1 day before taking her out. My sister and I took care of her at home for 6 years before she died. Nursing homes are horrible.
We had my mother in a nursing home for 1 day before taking her out. My sister and I took care of her at home for 6 years before she died. Nursing homes are horrible.
You brought tears to my eyes. I too wonder why the elderly in the United States are treated in such a shabby manner. They should be revered for their accomplishments and for all the wisdom they can bestow.
I merely checked in to see what new quilt you had started and was given a wake up call. I have now volunteered to do more with the seniors in my area.
God bless you Nichole!
You brought tears to my eyes. I too wonder why the elderly in the United States are treated in such a shabby manner. They should be revered for their accomplishments and for all the wisdom they can bestow.
I merely checked in to see what new quilt you had started and was given a wake up call. I have now volunteered to do more with the seniors in my area.
God bless you Nichole!
I so much relate to you. When my Dad got sick suddenly at age 68 (2005) he was in a hospital that was so drab & depressing as soon as we had him moved to a better hospital, he was off the ventilator & much improved spirits within 24 hours. Although my Dad had terminal cancer it was nice that they could make him comforable & at least come home which is what his wish was, he just wanted to be at home. Now my Mom age 70 is suffering with Alzheimers (brought on prematurely by a head injury at age 66) it has been so hard but we have found a very nice assisted living facility for her where she can have her dignity & treated like she should be but the sad fact of all this is, some can’t afford to pay the price my Mom is paying for this private pay assisted living facility. All our eldery deserve to grow old with dignity, it’s a shame that our health care has to be set up like it is, it just breaks my heart. I’m so glad you got your MIL in a nicer place. The way you describe her sounds like my MIL who will be 78 this month, she’s a sweetheart. She had knee surgery two years ago & shoulder replacement this past year. I’m giving her a quilt for her b’day this month. 🙂 Thanks for sharing your story, I’m sure many can relate.
I so much relate to you. When my Dad got sick suddenly at age 68 (2005) he was in a hospital that was so drab & depressing as soon as we had him moved to a better hospital, he was off the ventilator & much improved spirits within 24 hours. Although my Dad had terminal cancer it was nice that they could make him comforable & at least come home which is what his wish was, he just wanted to be at home. Now my Mom age 70 is suffering with Alzheimers (brought on prematurely by a head injury at age 66) it has been so hard but we have found a very nice assisted living facility for her where she can have her dignity & treated like she should be but the sad fact of all this is, some can’t afford to pay the price my Mom is paying for this private pay assisted living facility. All our eldery deserve to grow old with dignity, it’s a shame that our health care has to be set up like it is, it just breaks my heart. I’m so glad you got your MIL in a nicer place. The way you describe her sounds like my MIL who will be 78 this month, she’s a sweetheart. She had knee surgery two years ago & shoulder replacement this past year. I’m giving her a quilt for her b’day this month. 🙂 Thanks for sharing your story, I’m sure many can relate.
I just had to write and share my experience as well. I am an attorney working on a case against a care facility for their neglect of my client’s mother, and what I am finding out is horrifying on how some places are out to squeeze a profit and not to care for our parents. I am so glad that you were able to be the voice for your mother-in-law and to be there for your father-in-law as well. God bless you. Also, I saw the comment that Mary left, regarding her wedding quilt, and you truly are a dear, warm-hearted person.
I just had to write and share my experience as well. I am an attorney working on a case against a care facility for their neglect of my client’s mother, and what I am finding out is horrifying on how some places are out to squeeze a profit and not to care for our parents. I am so glad that you were able to be the voice for your mother-in-law and to be there for your father-in-law as well. God bless you. Also, I saw the comment that Mary left, regarding her wedding quilt, and you truly are a dear, warm-hearted person.
Oh bless your heart my friend, you are such a good soul. Your MIL is so fortunate to have you here to care enough to “make things happen.”
Our culture doesn’t honor and respect the elderly as others do. Its shameful. But you bring light into a dark corner of society and cause for hope.
Oh bless your heart my friend, you are such a good soul. Your MIL is so fortunate to have you here to care enough to “make things happen.”
Our culture doesn’t honor and respect the elderly as others do. Its shameful. But you bring light into a dark corner of society and cause for hope.
What a deeply touching read this was. You are a wonderful daughter in law and your mother in law looks adorable. Thanks for enhancing my day with your words.
What a deeply touching read this was. You are a wonderful daughter in law and your mother in law looks adorable. Thanks for enhancing my day with your words.
Very, very well put Nicole. And certainly something to think about. How fortunate for your in-laws that they have you to help them.
Very, very well put Nicole. And certainly something to think about. How fortunate for your in-laws that they have you to help them.
Thank God she had you to speak out for her!
So many folks just accept poor treatment for themselves and/or others. The things you mentioned are common courtesy and should have been the rule at that place anyway! I hope you reported her treatment to whomever oversees those rehab facilities.
God bless!
Terri
Thank God she had you to speak out for her!
So many folks just accept poor treatment for themselves and/or others. The things you mentioned are common courtesy and should have been the rule at that place anyway! I hope you reported her treatment to whomever oversees those rehab facilities.
God bless!
Terri
I am so proud of you, Nicole! You took the time to make sure your MIL was treated with the respect and kindness she deserves. Good for you! I agree whole-heartedly with everything you have said.
I agree with Bette Davis – old age is NOT for sissies!!
I am so proud of you, Nicole! You took the time to make sure your MIL was treated with the respect and kindness she deserves. Good for you! I agree whole-heartedly with everything you have said.
I agree with Bette Davis – old age is NOT for sissies!!