I have a good friend who is my best shopping buddy. We love to talk on the phone about the latest fashion trends, the gorgeous out-of-our-budget purse we are coveting, and the sensational End Of Season Shoe Sale at Macy's. We talk every week, see each other often, and enjoy seeing one another look fashionable as much as we like to ourselves. When she turns up looking fabulous in a new outfit, it is almost like she is my mirror. I think I could pull that look off too and spend an hour rummaging in my closet looking for a half remembered belt that I just know I have somewhere that would be the crowning touch for the look she has inspired me to copy. When I finally admitted that the expensive 4 inch high heels I kept trying to wear, but always took off after 5 minutes weren't goingto work for me, I gave them to her, where they fit her smaller sized feet perfectly. When she accidently ordered the wrong size bra and couldn't return it, she gave it to me since it was my size.
We are friends. Our families grew up together, we share meals regularly, go on trips with each other. True, we mainly talk about family, food, clothes and shoes, but isn't that what most women friends do? I love my friend, and know she loves me too.
Two weeks ago my friend discovered a lump in her breast. She met with her doctor, had various tests, and told no one. She went through the entire agonizing experience and never said a word to anyone outside her most immediate family. She spent many sleepless nights and distracted days worrying about her health without the support of her girlfriends. When she got the test results, which indicated that she had nothing to worry about, she finally confessed what she had been so preoccupied about. I have to ask myself why? What are girlfriends for? I would hate to think that any relationship I am involved in is only meaningful on the most trivial bases. But, this isn't about me.
I like to think I could have helped her get through those two weeks. At best, I am a goofy distraction. What makes some of us keep the most troubling times all to ourselves? Is it the fear that if we speak of them, the worst case scenario will come true? How is it for the rest of you? When the shit hits the fan, who do you turn to? Are you like me, and when you have a problem, you tell everyone who will listen? Over and over again, hoping for comfort and insight? Or do you adopt a dignified position, and keep what is personal to yourself?
62 responses to “Secrets”
I think it is the society in which we live. I am in a childbirth class – in most societies, this in not even a concept since girls see their sisters, cousins, neighbors, etc. give birth…. In Western societies a lot more things are “private” so we have to be taught how do what should be natural. & we keep things to ourselves that we should feel comfortable in sharing.
I think it is the society in which we live. I am in a childbirth class – in most societies, this in not even a concept since girls see their sisters, cousins, neighbors, etc. give birth…. In Western societies a lot more things are “private” so we have to be taught how do what should be natural. & we keep things to ourselves that we should feel comfortable in sharing.
I suppose it depends on the type of friendshp, for me. If I had a friend and I tended to be more of her mentor, I might not tell her. If she was someone I leaned on like a big sister, I am sure I would. Perhaps your buddy sees you more as a fun person to hang with and didn’t want to change that to a relationship from where you were both at the same “place” – hard to explain what I mean. She might want to keep the relationship fun instead of having it turn into her being sick and you being sympathetic. Dunno.
I suppose it depends on the type of friendshp, for me. If I had a friend and I tended to be more of her mentor, I might not tell her. If she was someone I leaned on like a big sister, I am sure I would. Perhaps your buddy sees you more as a fun person to hang with and didn’t want to change that to a relationship from where you were both at the same “place” – hard to explain what I mean. She might want to keep the relationship fun instead of having it turn into her being sick and you being sympathetic. Dunno.
I have a friend like yours, and she’d be the FIRST place I’d go with such a problem, before my sister or my daughter. And I know the same is true for her — it’s happened.
I have a friend like yours, and she’d be the FIRST place I’d go with such a problem, before my sister or my daughter. And I know the same is true for her — it’s happened.
Sometimes I do and sometimes I don’t…it all seems pursuant to the situation at hand…sometimes it is just nice to have a mental diversion and not talk about my problems at all.
Sometimes I do and sometimes I don’t…it all seems pursuant to the situation at hand…sometimes it is just nice to have a mental diversion and not talk about my problems at all.
My best friend totally clammed up last year when she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She didn’t even tell me about it until the day before she was going into surgery. I am still puzzled by it, but until I’m there myself, I can’t begin to get inside her head. I’m glad your friend is okay!
My best friend totally clammed up last year when she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She didn’t even tell me about it until the day before she was going into surgery. I am still puzzled by it, but until I’m there myself, I can’t begin to get inside her head. I’m glad your friend is okay!
I’m like some others….sometimes I do and sometimes I don’t….depends on my mood. My husband says I talk too much because I always want to get everybody’s opinion. Nancy in WI
I’m like some others….sometimes I do and sometimes I don’t….depends on my mood. My husband says I talk too much because I always want to get everybody’s opinion. Nancy in WI
I’m in the sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t category, too. I think, as I’ve gotten older, and come to depend on my friends more, I do tell them more.
I’m in the sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t category, too. I think, as I’ve gotten older, and come to depend on my friends more, I do tell them more.
Awesome questions…
I think our choice to speak or be silent has a lot to do with the societal admonitions for women to ‘be strong’ ~ admitting that we need help, of any kind, indicates weakness (which is wrong, wrong, wrong). Also, fear causes us to do draw in… there are so many elements involved.
We have an adult son with a mental disability and we spent years making excuses and being withdrawn ~ now we are far more open with those close to us and we are, in many cases, advocates for mental health. This approach is healthier and far easier ~ but, even now, the knee jerk reaction is still to hold back (at least a nano-second) until we assess the situation.
I’m so glad your friend’s results came back ‘ok’ ~ Guessing that her choice to remain silent was more about her than about any of her friendships/relationships. Perhaps she was afraid that speaking the words aloud would make it real or worse…
Awesome questions…
I think our choice to speak or be silent has a lot to do with the societal admonitions for women to ‘be strong’ ~ admitting that we need help, of any kind, indicates weakness (which is wrong, wrong, wrong). Also, fear causes us to do draw in… there are so many elements involved.
We have an adult son with a mental disability and we spent years making excuses and being withdrawn ~ now we are far more open with those close to us and we are, in many cases, advocates for mental health. This approach is healthier and far easier ~ but, even now, the knee jerk reaction is still to hold back (at least a nano-second) until we assess the situation.
I’m so glad your friend’s results came back ‘ok’ ~ Guessing that her choice to remain silent was more about her than about any of her friendships/relationships. Perhaps she was afraid that speaking the words aloud would make it real or worse…
When my mother was diagnosed with ovarian cancer she didn’t tell me until the day she went into surgery. I think she told her sisters, but didn’t want to worry my sister and I. My sister was one month post op for breast cancer which I didn’t hear about until 3 days before her surgery. I did talk to friends when my mother was going through chemotherapy treatments and when we were told the cancer was back and she only had about a week more to live, but now, a year and a half after her death, I feel like I am depressing to be around and am a burden to my friends because it still is such a fresh wound.
I think a lot of us were raised to be worried about what others think and not bother other people. I know I was.
When my mother was diagnosed with ovarian cancer she didn’t tell me until the day she went into surgery. I think she told her sisters, but didn’t want to worry my sister and I. My sister was one month post op for breast cancer which I didn’t hear about until 3 days before her surgery. I did talk to friends when my mother was going through chemotherapy treatments and when we were told the cancer was back and she only had about a week more to live, but now, a year and a half after her death, I feel like I am depressing to be around and am a burden to my friends because it still is such a fresh wound.
I think a lot of us were raised to be worried about what others think and not bother other people. I know I was.
I think people wrestle with feeling foolish(because what if its nothing) and not wanting to have their friends worry(what if its something) so the best they know to do is wait til they are sure of what they are dealing with. I’m so glad that it was nothing in your friend’s case! Give her a big hug!!
I think people wrestle with feeling foolish(because what if its nothing) and not wanting to have their friends worry(what if its something) so the best they know to do is wait til they are sure of what they are dealing with. I’m so glad that it was nothing in your friend’s case! Give her a big hug!!
What a thought provoking post. You know, I think I have done both. It really depends on what the situation is. In your friend’s case, I think I would solicit all the encouragement I could find but we are all so different. I know that I have also kept my “secrets” to myself when I should have shared them. As you said, maybe voicing the “secrets” makes them become more real while keeping them quiet can keep us in denial. Either way, what a great outcome for your friend.
What a thought provoking post. You know, I think I have done both. It really depends on what the situation is. In your friend’s case, I think I would solicit all the encouragement I could find but we are all so different. I know that I have also kept my “secrets” to myself when I should have shared them. As you said, maybe voicing the “secrets” makes them become more real while keeping them quiet can keep us in denial. Either way, what a great outcome for your friend.
FIrst of all, I’m glad your friend is fine. That’s the important fact. My friend went through the same thing last year. But she told just me, not even her Mom. Things turned out fine for her, also, and I felt on one hand privileged that she would pick me to share with. On the other I felt she should have told her family, also.
Me, I hold a lot of things in. That’s how I was raised. When my hubby had a stroke three years ago, I didn’t go around talking about it all the time with my circle of friends. Trouble is they never asked, either. They were not there for the emotional support I needed. Should I have phoned? Should they have called? Who knows. But our relationships aren’t the same as they were.
FIrst of all, I’m glad your friend is fine. That’s the important fact. My friend went through the same thing last year. But she told just me, not even her Mom. Things turned out fine for her, also, and I felt on one hand privileged that she would pick me to share with. On the other I felt she should have told her family, also.
Me, I hold a lot of things in. That’s how I was raised. When my hubby had a stroke three years ago, I didn’t go around talking about it all the time with my circle of friends. Trouble is they never asked, either. They were not there for the emotional support I needed. Should I have phoned? Should they have called? Who knows. But our relationships aren’t the same as they were.
Thank God your friend is ok. When such a thing happens to me, and it has several times, I tell everybody and ask them to pray for me. God gave me my friends and family so that we could support and encourage each other in good times and bad, so that’s what I do. I wish your friend could have had that. But everyone deals with troubles in her own way. Maybe that’s the way that made your friend feel like she was in control. Perhaps the sympathy that she knew she’d get from everyone was too much for her to deal with at the moment. But you are a good friend to feel the way you do. Your friends are lucky (me included). –Susan
Thank God your friend is ok. When such a thing happens to me, and it has several times, I tell everybody and ask them to pray for me. God gave me my friends and family so that we could support and encourage each other in good times and bad, so that’s what I do. I wish your friend could have had that. But everyone deals with troubles in her own way. Maybe that’s the way that made your friend feel like she was in control. Perhaps the sympathy that she knew she’d get from everyone was too much for her to deal with at the moment. But you are a good friend to feel the way you do. Your friends are lucky (me included). –Susan
Thank God your friend is ok. When such a thing happens to me, and it has several times, I tell everybody and ask them to pray for me. God gave me my friends and family so that we could support and encourage each other in good times and bad, so that’s what I do. I wish your friend could have had that. But everyone deals with troubles in her own way. Maybe that’s the way that made your friend feel like she was in control. Perhaps the sympathy that she knew she’d get from everyone was too much for her to deal with at the moment. But you are a good friend to feel the way you do. Your friends are lucky (me included). –Susan
Thank God your friend is ok. When such a thing happens to me, and it has several times, I tell everybody and ask them to pray for me. God gave me my friends and family so that we could support and encourage each other in good times and bad, so that’s what I do. I wish your friend could have had that. But everyone deals with troubles in her own way. Maybe that’s the way that made your friend feel like she was in control. Perhaps the sympathy that she knew she’d get from everyone was too much for her to deal with at the moment. But you are a good friend to feel the way you do. Your friends are lucky (me included). –Susan
Sometimes its just easier to wait it out on your own. I confess that that’s the kind of person I am. Not because I don’t love my friends or my family, I just didn’t want my relationships to be about that. I didn’t feel it was a slight. I’m glad that your friend is fine. Phew. Life can be so scary.
Sometimes its just easier to wait it out on your own. I confess that that’s the kind of person I am. Not because I don’t love my friends or my family, I just didn’t want my relationships to be about that. I didn’t feel it was a slight. I’m glad that your friend is fine. Phew. Life can be so scary.
A little over a year ago I was diagnosed with CLL – a type of leukemia that has no cure. It is a wait and watch game for me as they don’t try any treatments until certain symptoms or drastic blood counts change. I told an aunt and all of my friends. But my mother, now 86 years old, does not know. On the outside, I look and act the same and other than being tired most all of the time, I can still function ok. Mom has had a history of depressions and a couple of nervous breakdowns and since there is nothing she can do for me, why burden her with the stress? Although, she doesn’t understand why I am so “lazy” and I would like to just blurt it out to her! 🙂
Good news for your friend. I went through that about 3 years ago! It is very scary, especially if you have a history of it in your family.
Thanks for your post and an excuse to dump a little bit!!
A little over a year ago I was diagnosed with CLL – a type of leukemia that has no cure. It is a wait and watch game for me as they don’t try any treatments until certain symptoms or drastic blood counts change. I told an aunt and all of my friends. But my mother, now 86 years old, does not know. On the outside, I look and act the same and other than being tired most all of the time, I can still function ok. Mom has had a history of depressions and a couple of nervous breakdowns and since there is nothing she can do for me, why burden her with the stress? Although, she doesn’t understand why I am so “lazy” and I would like to just blurt it out to her! 🙂
Good news for your friend. I went through that about 3 years ago! It is very scary, especially if you have a history of it in your family.
Thanks for your post and an excuse to dump a little bit!!
So glad things turned out OK for your friend. I guess we all deal with things as we need to. As for me, I would have relied immediately and unabashedly on the support of several close girlfriends. Not the whole kit ‘n caboodle of girlfriends, but the two or three who I know would be there for me, because I’ve been there for them, too.
So glad things turned out OK for your friend. I guess we all deal with things as we need to. As for me, I would have relied immediately and unabashedly on the support of several close girlfriends. Not the whole kit ‘n caboodle of girlfriends, but the two or three who I know would be there for me, because I’ve been there for them, too.
I am so happy to hear your friend is ok. It happened to me and I didnt tell anyone except my husband and daughter, not even my mom or dad. I dont know why I didn’t tell anyone, I guess I didnt want to hear any negative thoughts or anyone feeling sorry for me. I really can’t say why. But it turned out ok for me too. I did tell God and talked alot to Him!
I am so happy to hear your friend is ok. It happened to me and I didnt tell anyone except my husband and daughter, not even my mom or dad. I dont know why I didn’t tell anyone, I guess I didnt want to hear any negative thoughts or anyone feeling sorry for me. I really can’t say why. But it turned out ok for me too. I did tell God and talked alot to Him!
My DH is like you and wants to tell everyone that will listen, while I need to keep it to myself for a bit, until I can get my own head around it, then I can share it with others. I need to think about it without other input otherwise I feel awash in a sea of emotions that may not be mine. Does that make sense? When I am ready I tell my friends and want there support.
My DH is like you and wants to tell everyone that will listen, while I need to keep it to myself for a bit, until I can get my own head around it, then I can share it with others. I need to think about it without other input otherwise I feel awash in a sea of emotions that may not be mine. Does that make sense? When I am ready I tell my friends and want there support.
I am variable how I deal with things, sometimes I talk to anyone and everyone, sometimes I keep things to myself. Something happened to me as a teenager that I’ve only told one person and that wasn’t my husband or my parents!! We all handle things differently.
I am variable how I deal with things, sometimes I talk to anyone and everyone, sometimes I keep things to myself. Something happened to me as a teenager that I’ve only told one person and that wasn’t my husband or my parents!! We all handle things differently.
my mom withheld that information from the entire family for a year telling us that it was for her to deal with. i remember all of us being so angry about it because so many things could have happened… and yet she had refused to let any of us help, know, or just be there for her.
i can understand waiting until you have the results, but not to say anything…
my mom withheld that information from the entire family for a year telling us that it was for her to deal with. i remember all of us being so angry about it because so many things could have happened… and yet she had refused to let any of us help, know, or just be there for her.
i can understand waiting until you have the results, but not to say anything…
I would be exactly like your friend and it would be no reflection on my bestest friends. There have been one or two times in my life when I had an issue I was concerned about and didn’t even tell my husband until after I made a Dr.’s appt – let alone anyone else. I think its the type of thing that if I verbalize it it makes it real.
I would be exactly like your friend and it would be no reflection on my bestest friends. There have been one or two times in my life when I had an issue I was concerned about and didn’t even tell my husband until after I made a Dr.’s appt – let alone anyone else. I think its the type of thing that if I verbalize it it makes it real.
I’m so glad your friend is okay. I’m the type that doesn’t tell anyone. I had skin cancer last year. I only told one person. And that was because I had to have someone drive me home from the surgery since my husband was away. I love my friends, but I’d rather share my joy than my misery. Plus, I’m a horrible patient!
I’m so glad your friend is okay. I’m the type that doesn’t tell anyone. I had skin cancer last year. I only told one person. And that was because I had to have someone drive me home from the surgery since my husband was away. I love my friends, but I’d rather share my joy than my misery. Plus, I’m a horrible patient!
Sorry Nicole, that your friend felt she had to go through such an ordeal alone. I have 2 friends, that are my support, comfort and sounding board, and without them there would have been times when I doubt my sanity would have survived. We need our family members, but we also need our friends, for their support, love and laughter.Take care, and hopefully if there ever is a next time, your friend will realize that you will help her when she really needs it.
Sorry Nicole, that your friend felt she had to go through such an ordeal alone. I have 2 friends, that are my support, comfort and sounding board, and without them there would have been times when I doubt my sanity would have survived. We need our family members, but we also need our friends, for their support, love and laughter.Take care, and hopefully if there ever is a next time, your friend will realize that you will help her when she really needs it.
I am the type of person to keep things like that to myself. I hate to burden a friend with something of that nature and I did the same thing to a good friend of mine when I had breast cancer. I didn’t tell her about it until it was all over. There was nothing she could do and that was not what I wanted our conversations to be about. If she had needed to talk to you about it, she would have. She didn’t burden you with her problem because of her high regard for you is my opinion.
I am the type of person to keep things like that to myself. I hate to burden a friend with something of that nature and I did the same thing to a good friend of mine when I had breast cancer. I didn’t tell her about it until it was all over. There was nothing she could do and that was not what I wanted our conversations to be about. If she had needed to talk to you about it, she would have. She didn’t burden you with her problem because of her high regard for you is my opinion.
I have to say that I agree with Perry. I talk about everything, but health issues, well I wait about those until I know the results are good ones. I don’t want anyone worrying needlessly about me I guess. I went through this very thing earlier this year and my best friend asked the same question when she found out, (after the fact). Only my dear husband knew the worry I was going through at the time. It has nothing to do with the friendship being trivial. It’s more about protecting the ones we love.
I have to say that I agree with Perry. I talk about everything, but health issues, well I wait about those until I know the results are good ones. I don’t want anyone worrying needlessly about me I guess. I went through this very thing earlier this year and my best friend asked the same question when she found out, (after the fact). Only my dear husband knew the worry I was going through at the time. It has nothing to do with the friendship being trivial. It’s more about protecting the ones we love.
Nicole,
I think I would keep it to myself – even from my best friends – I wouldn’t want them to worry. I am with Perry on this one- It would not be out of disrespect to my friendships- Sometimes it is too hard to talk about those things that are scary or terrifying or worrisome. We protect the people that we love without meaning to hurt them. If one voices the fears and the anxiety then it becomes more real for some people. Some people are intensely private- perhaps that is true of your friend.
It is an interesting issue- but I am sure that your friend values your friendship more than you know.
Regards,
Anna
Nicole,
I think I would keep it to myself – even from my best friends – I wouldn’t want them to worry. I am with Perry on this one- It would not be out of disrespect to my friendships- Sometimes it is too hard to talk about those things that are scary or terrifying or worrisome. We protect the people that we love without meaning to hurt them. If one voices the fears and the anxiety then it becomes more real for some people. Some people are intensely private- perhaps that is true of your friend.
It is an interesting issue- but I am sure that your friend values your friendship more than you know.
Regards,
Anna
I found a lump in my breast earlier this year and my inclination was not to tell anyone. I didn’t want to worry anyone if it was nothing and if it was bad then there was nothing they could do anyway. I had to tell my boyfriend and he took it a lot harder than I did. I think it is easier to go through something yourself than to have a friend going through it. You also end up trying to console people that you tell. People were upset when I finally told them about it (it turned out to be nothing serious)but I know I made the right choice for me.
I found a lump in my breast earlier this year and my inclination was not to tell anyone. I didn’t want to worry anyone if it was nothing and if it was bad then there was nothing they could do anyway. I had to tell my boyfriend and he took it a lot harder than I did. I think it is easier to go through something yourself than to have a friend going through it. You also end up trying to console people that you tell. People were upset when I finally told them about it (it turned out to be nothing serious)but I know I made the right choice for me.
Perhaps it is personality…I tend to deal with serious issues very privately. While I love my friends I just don’t like to discuss my personal health issues with them. It’s not that I worry talking might make the issue more Real. It’s just that I prefer to deal with it myself and not make a fuss. I do pray, though, and am content that God is watching over me, no matter what happens. As for my friends, I don’t mind if they mention their problems. Sometimes I can offer advice or help of some sort. But in regards to my own problems, I think it is a personality thing on my part and does not reflect on their ability to be a good friend.
Perhaps it is personality…I tend to deal with serious issues very privately. While I love my friends I just don’t like to discuss my personal health issues with them. It’s not that I worry talking might make the issue more Real. It’s just that I prefer to deal with it myself and not make a fuss. I do pray, though, and am content that God is watching over me, no matter what happens. As for my friends, I don’t mind if they mention their problems. Sometimes I can offer advice or help of some sort. But in regards to my own problems, I think it is a personality thing on my part and does not reflect on their ability to be a good friend.
I’m still thinking about this one. I don’t think I could have added anything to the conversation but I wanted you to know you really got me thinking.
Being Aware of Love, *karendianne.
I’m still thinking about this one. I don’t think I could have added anything to the conversation but I wanted you to know you really got me thinking.
Being Aware of Love, *karendianne.
I wish I had read this post a few months back when you posted it…truly…I have just been doing the same thing with other female woes and I have been keeping it all inside, until I ended up in the ER last week and the gig was up! Your advice makes so much sense…I don’t know why I didn’t see that before instead of just putting on a smiling face and trying to put one foot in front of the other carrying it all myself. Thanks, Nicole. Just what I needed.
I wish I had read this post a few months back when you posted it…truly…I have just been doing the same thing with other female woes and I have been keeping it all inside, until I ended up in the ER last week and the gig was up! Your advice makes so much sense…I don’t know why I didn’t see that before instead of just putting on a smiling face and trying to put one foot in front of the other carrying it all myself. Thanks, Nicole. Just what I needed.